Attacked In My Own Home

I’m not really afraid of bugs. I’ve never really been a huge FAN of them, but I just kind of assume the larger bugs eat the smaller ones, which in turn keeps the bug population down near my house, so I generally let them be (which is why I let the wasp nest near my front door stay undisturbed for so long, which is subsequently why I got stung by a wasp while leaving my house one day. It’s ok, though. I killed that whole wasp family with poison to teach them a lesson… a lesson about who has thumbs and the ability to operate a can of poison). So, when I was awakened by a sharp sting on my side at 3am the other day, I jumped out of bed, turned on the lights, and prepared to deal with the problem as calmly and efficiently as possible.

I quickly slapped and beat at the shirt and pj pants I was wearing (yes shh, try to calm yourselves down after picturing my super sexy pajama pants) but didn’t see any bugs fly away or drop to the ground. I checked where I had been sleeping and also didn’t see any bugs, and flipped every one of the 100 pillows that I sleep with… nothing. I thought I might have been imagining it until I checked the mirror and saw a small round welt rising up in a red area around the area where I had believed I had been assaulted. “Oh wellsies,” I thought to myself. “I guess that bug did what he came to do and has gone home to his family or whatever.” I hopped back in bed, cozied up into the sheets and my 100 pillows, and got myself set to be swept back into dreamland.

Then I felt something crawling in my hair next to my neck.

THAT, friends, is the exact moment that you could have hit the button on the stopwatch that had been measuring “how long Breanne stayed cool about the whole situation.” I grabbed that area of my hair and quickly flung the creature that was hanging out in there against the wall next to my bed, then leapt out of bed and threw on the lights. I had thrown the tiny menace into the wall near the dog bed. I turned on the flashlight on my phone to help with my search to figure out what the hell was trying to stop me from getting back to sleep. I panned the wall with my light, and just as I was thinking that whatever it was had escaped, I saw it.

This is an approximation of what I remember. Scorpion may or may not have had a skull & crossbones tattoo’d on his stingy bits.

It was a scorpion. He was staring at me (or possibly just at the wall somewhere, I really don’t remember), and he was angry. His tail was like WHAT just waiting for the next mofo to try to sleep all up on him. Ok… so, I knew what it was, and now I knew it had to die. Now what?

I tried to calmly evaluate my options, all while keeping in mind that this little guy had just tried to KILL me. Of course he wasn’t able to, but I’m nearly positive that he wasn’t just trying to annoy me.

Option 1: Try to smash it with a paper towel or something. This wasn’t my favorite option, as he was sitting on the edge of a pillowy dog bed against the wall, and I was sure that I would be hesitant and act like a big stupid baby, leaving him an opportunity to escape.

Option 2: Scoop him up with a piece of paper, relocate him to outside and smash him with a shoe. This would have been great, except that I didn’t have time to google if scorpions could jump or to find out how fast they can run.

I figured out a third option that was by far the best. I watched him for a few seconds to make sure he wasn’t planning on leaving, and I took off out of the bedroom. While I should have just left option 3 ending like that, with me sitting in the middle of my kitchen table with a fly swatter, I utilized my exceptional bravery skills and got back in the room immediately — this time hauling my precious Dyson vacuum with me.


I vacuumed up that son of a bitch quicker than he could even realize it (if scorpions have brains that could realize things). He tried to hang on to the dog bed with his little devil-hands, but I got him. I know, because I stared at him in the clear vacuum canister to make sure he was dead. He was.

I stayed awake for a little bit after that, alternating between obsessively checking between the sheets and blankets of my bed and googling how to deal with the dangers of scorpion stings. In the end, I took 2 Advil and went to bed for a few more hours before I had to go to work.

Since then, before I go to bed I usually check under my pillows and give a cursory fluff of the sheets and blankets… but I figure that if it’s my time to get stung by a scorpion, then it’s my time to get stung by a scorpion, no matter how many times I fluff my comforter. And then it is that scorpion’s time to get eaten by a vacuum cleaner.

Aside: After further reading about scorpions, I have seen several methods of keeping them away. One of the more popular methods is sprinkling diatomaceous earth all over the place. The other popular method is to keep a cat around, because cats are good at eating scorpions or something. I felt pretty cheated when I read that, because HEY I HAVE A CAT. Perhaps she’s been keeping them away the whole time, and this one just tricked her and slipped by… but then I remembered that I’d met my cat, and I remembered that being alert and active and protective of me wasn’t really her thing.

Breanne: 1. Scorpion: 0 (well, maybe 1/2 point, because he did sting me up pretty good)

She’s just fluffy.