This Saturday night, I’ll be roaming the streets of Austin with a friend, who is a fine upstanding member of the Austin Police Department. Through what might be their lax judgement, once my signature is on a waiver (which probably reads about upholding the law, or what happens in case I die, or something or other – I don’t know, I just kinda skimmed it), APD says that I am
a fully-functioning member of the Austin Police Department allowed to ride in the passenger seat of the police car. I call this series #BrePD, and I try my best to live-tweet the shift, throwing in any David Caruso-esque puns that I can muster along the way.
So, in preparation for this upcoming event, I’ve compiled a list of answers to questions that I’d be asking myself if I stumbled across… myself.
Q: What the hell, man. Why are you doing these ride-outs?
A: First off, don’t sass me. Second-of-ly… I do it because I can, I suppose. It’s an interesting and sometimes exciting gig, and I like it. I know I could never cut it as a cop (mostly probably because there’s gotta be some sort of physical qualifications and I can’t run half a mile without at least a few breaks), so this is as close as I’ll get. Also, it’s just cool, and I get to see my friend being a bad-ass. There’s also the possibility that I’ll find some other rescue workers along the way (if you ever read my tweets, you know of my affinity for the fire department and its men. Last #BrePD, while my police officer was checking out the situation with a car accident, I managed to hang back and flirt with the FD who were also at the scene. They helped me put on my bright orange hazard vest correctly and suggested that I ride along with them instead. So tempting.).
Q: How good are you at riding out? That question was not meant to sound as sexual as it did. You know what I mean. Just answer the question.
A: I’m getting pretty good at sitting in the passenger seat of a police car. This will be the third time I’ve done this. The first time I wrote a few pretty long posts covering it. The second time… well, the second time our shift was punctuated by an awesome high-speed ride through a series of neighborhoods so we could quickly get to a house where some guy was in the process of beating his pregnant girlfriend. That call was after another one where the woman was filing a complaint on her boyfriend, as he had tried to choke her out the night before after accused infidelity and had subsequently thrown a few death threats her way (one that she received via text while we were taking her report — something that started along the lines of “I see that the fucking cops are at your house right now.” That one definitely made me glance around looking for cover if necessary). So, while I can generally make light of most situations, domestic violence is not funny, and even if you can think of some really good jokes about it, people will yell at you for making them, so it’s not even worth it to try.
Q: Will this time be better than the last? Last time it was boring and stupid and I hated it.
A: Hopefully this time I won’t have to sit and passively listen to how a woman receiving death threats doesn’t want to place a restraining order or press charges on her boyfriend, because he probably already went back to Mexico… what a freakin’ downer. This time, we’ll be on duty until a bit after 2am, which gives us time to scoop up some drunken shenaniganers. That should be awesome. Hopefully you won’t be so hateful towards me after this one. Mean.
Q: This sounds amazing. Somebody should pay you to write awesome things like this!
Q: Where can I watch this mess of what is sure to be a disaster of a tweetathalon unfold?
A: You can follow me on twitter at @breannesp where I’ll be hashtagging with #BrePD. Tune in this Saturday night starting a 5:30ish CST… and don’t even think that since I’ll be gone you can rob my house, because I totally have a housesitter staying there and he totally has his concealed handgun license. Also I have a machete in my house for some weird reason. And also my cat will kill you with her deadly poison allergy-dander.