Free South Texas Medical Consultation!

So, you don’t feel well and you live in South Texas? Well, kind reader, there’s no need to look any further — I have the answer to your sicky woes. With today’s technology (along with my incredible insightfulness (which Computer tells me isn’t a word but I’m going to go with it anyway)), there is so much that can be figured out without an antiquated and SO FAR AWAY visit to a doctor’s office.

Now, this is going to seem stupid… but think of your symptoms. Hard. Squint your eyes a little while you’re thinking, so it looks like you’re thinking really hard. Ok, good.

Great, ok. Got it. Anything else?

Ok. Done.

It’s allergies. Oh, you don’t have allergies? YES YOU DO. Over 100% (estimate) of the people who live in South Texas have allergies, and the biggest bitchers (again, not a word, Computer?!) of them all are the ones who think they don’t have allergies:

“My throat is sore, and my eyes hurt. I think I have a little fever. I can’t breathe. I keep coughing. It’s not allergies because I don’t have allergies. No, I don’t want one of your Claritin.”

Yuh huh you do so have allergies. Right now in San Antonio, the amount of pollen molecules in the air is actually higher than the amount of air molecules.

So, suck it up and deal with the fact that your body is not equipped to deal with plant dust. Once you get past that, you can start dealing with solutions. My favorite one is Claritin, followed closely by just not breathing. TAKE THAT, POLLEN!

Helpful illustrations:

many apologies to any pirates who are reading this that are offended

True story.

*Apologies to any French ladies or pirates who may have been offended by my sweet-ass drawings.