One Year*

Today is the first day of the rest of your lives… and I mean actual countable days – 364 to be exact. As you may or may not know, the world is going to end on December 21, 2012. On that fateful day, the Mayans are going to get us. Yes. GET. US.

It’s normal to be skeptical about doomsday predictions, as we were all supposed to die so many times already. Harold Camping announced the last big rapture date, which was supposed to be last October. Oopsie. Maybe this guy should have practiced his mathing before he dedicated his whole life to preparing for the rapture. Oh well – bygones… incidentally, he and his church raised over $100 million for the cause (you can’t take it with you, folks!), so I guess it wasn’t a total loss.

I consider myself a near-expert on the Mayan civilization, as one time I went on a Carnival Cruise and at one of the stops was Chichen Itza, where a bunch of Mayans used to live. I also am the same amount of expert on doomsday predictions, as I read about them on the internet (mostly on the days that we were supposed to be destroyed), and though I didn’t see the movie 2012, I did read the IMDB page, so I basically know how it’s going to pan out. (Spoiler alert: John Cusack will be there!) So, take heed to my warnings, as I have been researching this topic for up to 15 minutes!

Now, back to the subject of Mayans and why we should be more terrified than just a regular old rapture-style destruction. I’m not positive as to whether they’re going to rise up from their crumbly old graves or if we’ll be dealing with ghosts, but either way these Mayans are going to be pretty tough. Reasons as follow:

1. Cardio. Since cars hadn’t been invented yet in around 1200 AD (fact check please), Mayans had to walk everywhere. Also, have you SEEN Chichen Itza? To get to the top, you’ve gotta climb about 9000 steps. Their legs probably looked AMAZING, am I right? We, or at least we lazy fat Americans, are not prepared to battle with foes who can climb more than 2 flights of stairs at a time!

2. Human sacrifices. These guys are serious. Even though I was mostly hung over from an excess of umbrella-laden beverages on the cruise that took us there, I definitely remember the creepiness factor of Chichen Itza. I’m not exactly sure how the sacrifice ceremonies worked, but the sacrificial loveseats are still on-site. I picture the ceremonies being very much like I saw when watching Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, with a huge helping of “Kali Ma Shakti de” (then you rip out their heart with your hands, and it catches on fire by magic!). It’s not my fault I imagine it like that. I know that in the movie was some weird religious cult, not Mayans… it’s Spielberg’s fault. It’s ALWAYS Spielberg’s fault.

After the human sacrifice was made, his heart was put onto this statue to offer to the Gods. Creepy.

3. They had their shit together. These guys said “Hey you guys – we’re going to blow this mess up with our powers in 2012, so no need to continue the calendar after that.” They didn’t waste time carving extra rocks for extra years that just weren’t going to happen. The Mayans were efficient back then, and they will be as efficient in destroying us in exactly 364 days.

So, make this year’s New Years Resolutions the best ones, as they will be your last. Stop spending time with people you don’t really like or whose company you don’t enjoy. Do things that are fun because you want to. Spend some money on something you enjoy every once in a while instead of saving every last penny and hating it. It’s what the Mayans would have wanted us to do.

* This post may be incredibly inaccurate and full of lies. But hey, if you didn’t want to read lies, then what are you doing on the internet anyway? Go read a dictionary or a cookbook.