Sluts on Halloween

I borrowed the title of this post from a youtube video by Jenna Marbles on the same topic. It’s hilarious and you should definitely watch it right now… I’ll wait. Go on now.

I definitely get Jenna’s point of some girls just wanting to whore it up on the one day of the year where it’s totally allowed to walk around in very little clothes or with masks on. While my opinion is that if you want to dress like a slut, you should just dress like a slut whenever you want to instead of waiting for that one weekend a year (if I saw a sexy police woman walking by me at the grocery store in June, I’d probably still just look at her, judge her on how good/bad her costume is, and proceed with my shopping), I understand that some people need everyone to look different for them to be able to pull their balls out and look different themselves. So, my issue isn’t so much with the influx of slutty costumes, but the influx of slutty “wtf” costumes. My idea of slutty Halloween isn’t that you just troll the internet looking for the skimpiest costume that you can find, but maybe that you find something you’d like to be and then slut it up. Doctor, cop, Queen of Hearts, butterfly, peacock… all these are things that ladies ACTUALLY might want to dress up and that have the easy ability to be slutted up.

During my “research” for this post, I was searching for the most ridiculous costumes that I could find… and most had solid google results. Are you kidding me? Sexy tow truck driver? It’s a thing, you guys.

Let’s start with the most reasonable of the batch that I found. PS – These made up rules of mine are invalid if the wearer spent lots of money or time building the costume, too — the costumes I’m mostly talking about are mindless buy-and-wear costumes from Party City or the like. If you have an idea and the drive to build a solid sexy porcupine costume, then more power to you.

Sexy Ghostbuster. Ok, movie character, super valid. I’ve seen plenty of guys dress up as a Ghostbuster, so it seems logical that a sexy version would emerge eventually.


Who ya gonna call (at 3:30am when you’re completely wasted and looking for some drunken sex)?


Same with R2D2. I kinda get it, though you DO realize that there was nothing sexy about him to begin with, as he’s just a bleepy hunk of metal with a very low center of gravity?

Next up, foods. I can appreciate a good food-based costume, but sometimes I am confused. I’d like to meet the lady that says “I’ve been thinking about it and I’d like to be a meat product this year… now to find a costume!” And the bacon thing, well, I’m totally over every single thing needing bacon on it or in it or wrapped around it. Did you know that there’s talk of a global bacon shortage? It’s articles like THIS that made that a potential reality, people. Cut that shit out. And yes, that last one is a sexy hamburger. Because regular hamburgers just aren’t sexy enough.

“Mom, how old do I have to be until I’m allowed to be sexy bacon?”

The next category, I call “Really?!”

Do you remember Rosie the Robot from the Jetsons? You know, the sexy robot who cleaned their house? Oh, come on. The sexy one. That robot that was fantasized about by children across {wherever the Jetsons aired}… no? Oh, well, she’s sexy now. Also, you get to store your lipstick and phone in her decapitated melon.

Sea turtles. You THOUGHT you weren’t turned on by them. Until now. SEXIFIED!


Turtles commonly carry salmonella all over their filthy shell backs! Maybe this one shouldn’t hang out with sexy bacon.


Your favorite memories of your childhood have also been made so so sexy. Sexy Sesame Street! If Bert & Ernie didn’t turn you on before, you are one lucky duck, because you now have 2 more costumes to add to your bank of alone-time fantasies.


Ooh girl. Whatcha got in that trunk? Oh… 3 extra pair of eyes and a funny mustache.


This last one drives me crazy. It’s listed as Sexy Nemo. Well, Nemo had one busted fin, so if this chick isn’t going to be walking with a limp, I deem it NON-AUTHENTIC. Now, if in response to the question she’ll inevitably get asking what in the hell she’s dressed as, she responds that she’s “a clownfish, and do you know that clownfish are sequential hermaphrodites, which means that they’re born male but can eventually turn female?” then I will give this one a pass, because she’s just a real big clownfish fan is all!

This last one… Sexy Mexican? Come on, you’re really stretching, costume people.

Sexy Mexican is a real thing, and it doesn’t necessitate a sombrero. The huge cleavage aspect of that costume is correct, however.

Hola, Salma.

So ladies, if you’re gonna whore it up, you’ve gotta commit and do it like you MEAN it! $15 sexy pirate costumes are for freshmen in college who only eat ramen otherwise — take it from this former ramen-eating sexy college pirate.