Here’s a handy how-to list so you don’t have to have as many trial and errors:
– learn how to make a coughing noise that sounds like you’re moving the phlegm in your throat up or down about 2″. Make sure it sounds a little bubbly.
– don’t do work. Especially don’t do it when people are waiting on you to finish it so they can start their part of the job. Read internet stories about airplanes and boats instead.
– use no common sense at all. Save that section of your brain to talk to your wife every 3 hours about…
– eating every 2 hours. Piles of pasta. Chips and sour cream. Gigantic cake. Doesn’t matter what it is, eat it, and eat it frequently. Then ask everyone where they’re going to lunch and spend 25 minutes discussing with wife what she’s going to make for dinner.
– listen to my phone calls.
– inform everyone of when I’m in “the little girls’ room.”
That’s a good start… if you do any few of those things, you’ll be on your way to murdered right away!