Things from the Internets 8/12

During a typical day, I see about 3/4 of the whole internet. The 1/4 that I DON’T see consists of pictures of babies and children that people post on facebook. Oh, and the porn parts. I don’t have those on an RSS feed… yet.

Anyway, of these millions of things I see on the internet each day, I generally send out approximately 1/3 of those to friends, via emails, twitter, or occasional facebook posts. That fraction ends up to be (somebody please do math), which is quite a big percentage of the whole internet.

SO, I’ll try to compile some of the amusing things I find on the internet into a single blog post for the day… and if you care, you can read and click away. If my tomfoolery isn’t quite suited to your palate, then may I ask what the hell you’re doing here and why you’ve read so far in this post anyway, HUH?

• Airline Peer is a Skiier No More – This guy had a few too many drinks on an airplane. No big deal… Come on, who hasn’t, amiright?! The difference between he and everyone else is that he got up to use the restroom, and like the male stereotype, totally missed the toilet. He WAY missed, though, and peed on an 11 year old girl. Ruh roh. There has been plenty of “OMG R U SRS EW” buzz on this since it happened a few days ago, but just today the internet is finding out that he was slated to begin training for the US Olympic Alpine team. WAS. He’s been voted off the island, the “island” being “a ski team where you get to go to the Olympics but also aren’t allowed to pee on anyone.”

• iPhone 5 release date updated – Now, September 7 is the date that anyone who’s currently holding an iPhone will realize that their current phone is a piece of shit and go wait in line for a new one. They’ll be really happy with it for a few months, and everyone will want to see it and touch it and play with it. It will have a few things that you think make an upgrade worth it. Then the iPhone6 announcement will be made, and your phone will suddenly be inadequate again. But, September 7, you guys!

• Pallas’ Kitten babies – Weird looking kitties, live in the China area, going extinct. Good for them – these are the first Pallas’ kittens born from artificial insemination in the kitty conservation efforts. This article is important for two reasons: 1. yay conservation. 2. This article includes the first and probably only time you will see the following snippet of text: “may facilitate the use of this frozen Mongolian semen.”

• Today in Maru – Maru was flown away while the insect did nothing. TYPICAL MARU!

• Frontierville is… necessary in life? – I wonder what the president of Zynga does at home in his spare time? Do you think he reads books? Maybe goes outside and enjoys fresh oxygen? Or does he stay in front of his computer, tending his farms, minding his wagons, feeding the lions, and whatever else you do in all the “ville” games? Those games are a swampy swampy sandpit that you can’t escape, and you get sucked right in to meet an unkind end, just like Artax did in The Neverending Story. I can only speak this harshly of these games because I have never once tried to play them so that I will never say something “but now I know how farmers feel. It must have been hard living in the Dust Bowl.” I’m sure that if I did play, I would immediately be sucked in and not ever leave my computer again, similar to my reasoning behind why I won’t eat a McGriddle and why I won’t watch Jersey Shore.

• Starbucks Card got Robin Hooded – Nice/creative guy Jonathan Stark made a Starbucks Card for anyone to use or contribute to. It seemed to be working out, with people buying coffee and “donating” money to the account. However, some dick named Sam Odio decided to ruin the game. He hacked his way in and transferred out over $600. That’s like kicking the basketball over the fence because you suck at basketball and don’t want to play anymore – not fair for the rest who were having a good time. The kicker is that he’s planning on selling the Starbucks card on ebay, then donating the money to charity. So… wait. Are we still mad at him? BUT HE STOLE OUR COFFEE! … for the children. Hrm.

• You’ve got something in your… oh. – Teeth tattoos are “trendy” in Japan. Without being in Japan to see that every 4th person walking by has a semi-permanent ladybug sticker glued to their incisor, I cannot comment on “trendy.” This is a sure way to get attention, though, in the form of every person you speak to letting you know that you’ve got something in your teeth.

• Google+ is bringing the fun – GREAT. Google+ is no longer working to provide an extraordinary social media experience, different than the rest and meshing more completely and seamlessly into your life. Now they’re trying to match up to Facebook so that the people who are obsessed with Facebook will leave Facebook and move to Google+ and act like they’re still on Facebook. Google+ is now adding games. Hopefully the games won’t be integrated into the streams, with people I haven’t seen in 8 years inviting me to take out a hit or whatever in Mafia Wars (is that a thing still?). If Google+ could try to concentrate on separating themselves in an awesome way, then maybe… hey wait… they have Collapse? Sweet. WHY HASN’T GOOGLE+ GIVEN ME A GAMES TAB YET?!?

Aside, because I was thinking about it:
• Nintendo was the worst – No really, it was. I remember borrowing Kiwi Kraze from my neighbor and playing it for hours. HOURS! It is, actually, the worst. Awful music in my head, and come to find out after some extremely brief wikipedia research, kiwis don’t even really eat apples, which is the basis of +power and +points through the whole game! It’s like my whole childhood was a lie, or at least the part of my childhood based around what kiwis ate.
Also, before you say that it was NOT the worst, try to play one of your favorite games from back in the day. You’ll see that it IS the worst. Your poor mind is trying to trick you and think that it was great quality and funny or fun, just like mine did when I pulled up the pilot of Perfect Strangers on youtube. That is not good either.