Web Search For Dummies

My web search history reflects almost exactly the random disaster of thoughts that are going through my head just about all the time.

“how much does a rodeo clown make per year
mariachi Mexico ski costume
eye strings allergies
mac spin kick sunny
“parkour lessons”
buttermilk goat
“sriacha tour”
“what is barry short for”
“eddie money pizza”
does god have a flan
“indian nba players”
google chrome cat theme

The biggest mistake that the internet made today was giving me actual search results for my impulse query of “where should I buy a monkey” instead of answering back in large black letters to “NO DO NOT BUY A MONKEY” along with the distraction of a redirect to a page of photos of dogs doing funny things. Instead, I was directed to PrimateStore.com, where I learned that if I want to buy a monkey, I should actually buy TWO monkeys because they need to have friends. There’s a lot of other information in there about how much responsibility it is, and how much attention they need, and some other crap, but the only part that I actually really read and remembered was “BUY YOUR MONKEYS BY THE PAIR.” *

My use of google search is also indicative of my need to have more information about basically everything I think about. If the internet ever stops one day, my brain will settle into idle mode, as I will have nothing to back up my thoughts.


(*I am (probably) not actually going to buy two monkeys or even one monkey, you dummies who are going to write me and say that people should not buy monkeys. I don’t think a monkey would be happy in my house since I don’t subscribe to cable, and also I couldn’t afford to buy a monkey. Or two monkeys. Probably.)